Quick question: when did your car last have a WOF?
You probably know. There’s a sticker on the windscreen to prove it.
Now, when did your relationship last have one? For most couples, the answer is never. Or only when something broke down so badly they had no choice.
Why your relationship deserves a WOF
We take the car in without a second thought.
Nobody sits in the waiting room feeling ashamed. It’s just sensible. You check the brakes and tyres so small problems don’t turn into big ones.
And here’s the bit I love.
Older cars get checked more often, not less. Because there’s more history, more wear, more to keep an eye on.
If you’ve been together twenty years or more, your relationship is a classic now.
It deserves at least the same care.
How to do your Relationship WOF
Make a cup of tea. Sit down together somewhere comfortable. Each of you take a piece of paper.
Answer each of the ten questions below on your own, scoring from 1 (needs urgent attention) to 10 (in great shape).
Don’t compare until you’ve both finished.
Then swap and talk about it. Not to argue about the numbers, but to get curious about the gaps. “You gave touch a four. Tell me about that.”
This isn’t a test you can fail. It’s a conversation starter.
The 10 questions
1. The brakes: how well do we stop a fight before it does damage?
Can either of us call a break and come back? Or do arguments run until someone slams a door?
2. The tyres: how much grip do we have?
How often do we touch just because? Hugs, holding hands, sitting close on the couch.
3. The lights: how well do we see each other?
Do I feel noticed and appreciated? Do we say thank you, out loud, for specific things?
4. The seatbelts: how safe do I feel?
Can I tell you something hard, or that I’m scared or hurt? Can I trust you’ll stay with me?
5. The indicators: how well do we signal what we need?
Can the one who needs space ask for it kindly? Can the one who needs reassurance ask without feeling needy?
6. The engine: how alive is our erotic life?
How happy am I with our sex life right now? And with our physical intimacy?
7. The fuel: how much fun do we have?
When did we last laugh until we cried? Try something new? Have an adventure together?
8. The steering: are we heading in the same direction?
Do we have a shared picture of the next ten years? Where we live, what we do, what’s important to us?
9. The rust: are there old hurts still eating away?
Is there something from the past I’m still carrying? Something we’ve never properly talked through?
10. The service history: how well do we repair and check in?
After a hard moment, do we come back together? Do we ever stop and check how we’re going?
Reading your results
Mostly 8 to 10: a pass. Lovely.
Keep doing what you’re doing and keep checking in.
Mostly 5 to 7: needs some attention. Nothing’s broken, but some parts are wearing. Try this: pick the lowest two scores and talk about one small thing you could each do this month.
Several below 5: time to book in. That doesn’t mean the relationship is in trouble. It means some parts need more help than a driveway fix.
A couples therapist, workshop or retreat can help you lift the bonnet together.
And pay special attention to big gaps between your scores.
If one of you gives the engine an eight and the other a three, that’s a conversation worth having, with kindness.
How often to do it
Once a year, around your anniversary, is a nice rhythm.
If you’re in a season of big change, like the kids leaving, menopause or a new job, every six months is even better. Just like older cars.
Common things couples discover
When couples do this check, a few things often come up.
Many score high on brakes and steering but low on tyres and engine. They’re a good team, but touch and desire have faded.
Do you know this one?
Many find they score the same question very differently. That’s not a problem. It’s information.
And many are surprised by how good it feels just to talk about it. The check itself often does some of the repair.
Take it to the garage
Some things you can sort in the driveway.
Some need someone with the right tools.
Want to understand what’s happening between the two of you? Come to Reignite Your Love, a 3 hour workshop in Auckland about the emotional and sexual cycle and how to step out of it. Or start with a free discovery call.
