You reach for her and she stiffens.
Or she says not tonight. Or you’ve stopped reaching, because you already know the answer.
If you’re a man in a sexless marriage, you probably feel unwanted. You might also feel angry, and ashamed of being angry.
You love her. You don’t want to leave.
You want to be wanted by your own wife.
I’m Mark. I run couples retreats with my partner Tarisha, who’s a couples and sex therapist. I’m not a therapist. I’m a bloke who used to do exactly what you might be doing now.
This is the sexless marriage advice for men I’d give a mate.
It comes from Tarisha’s work and from watching a lot of couples go through this.
Why every no feels so personal
When you reach and she says no, you don’t hear “not tonight”. You hear a verdict: unwanted, unattractive, unloved.
You’re living next to the person you love and feeling invisible.
So you do one of two things.
You reach again, with a bit more urgency. Or you stop reaching and go cold.
Sound familiar?
Both make sense. Neither works.
What it’s like on her side
To her, every reach starts to feel like pressure. Touch begins to mean expectation. So she avoids touch altogether.
She still loves you.
She doesn’t know how to say yes to a hug without it becoming a question.
Less touch means less warmth.
And for many people, especially women and especially after 40, desire is responsive.
It grows from closeness, safety and feeling cared for. It often shows up after things start, and less often before.
So the less touch there is, the less desire there is.
Round and round. Tarisha calls this the sexual cycle.
It usually isn’t only about sex
When she feels emotionally disconnected from you, sex feels less safe, less appealing or more like a duty. And when sex has gone, it’s harder for you to feel close, because you’re carrying the rejection.
So as well as asking why she doesn’t want sex, ask how close the two of you feel the rest of the week.
What makes it worse
- keeping score of how long it’s been
- sulking or going cold after a no
- touching her only when you want sex
- making jokes about it in front of other people
- treating it as her problem to fix
I’ve done some of these. Most men have.
What helps
Separate affection from sex. Agree that touch is welcome and doesn’t have to lead anywhere. Hugs that end as hugs.
This is often where her desire starts to come back.
Tell her what’s underneath. “We never have sex” starts a fight. Try “I miss being close to you. I’d love to understand what it’s like for you.”
Ask, and listen. “What’s it like for you when I reach for you?”
Don’t defend yourself. Don’t fix it.
Look at the rest of the week.
- Where have you drifted?
- What would help her feel seen?
- What would help you feel seen?
Check the body, yours and hers. If sex hurts for her, or your erections have changed, or menopause is part of the picture, a GP visit can help a lot.
I’m not a doctor, and this isn’t medical advice. Please talk to your GP about anything physical.
Neither of you is the bad guy
You’re not needy or demanding for wanting sex with your wife. She’s not cold or uncaring for not wanting it right now.
You’re both caught in the same cycle, and a cycle can change.
Tarisha has written about this from the other side of the bed in “We’re Great Together, I Just Don’t Want Sex”.
Want to understand what’s happening between the two of you? Come to Reignite Your Love, a 3 hour workshop in Auckland about the emotional and sexual cycle and how to step out of it. Or start with a free discovery call.
